Saturday, February 4, 2017

i dont know

   I'm not sure what to say.

   There's been so much going on inside my head. So much that I haven't been able to write. My thoughts just get jumbled together. There are a million topics to discuss and a million ideas to share. But nothing has been working. Words have been betraying me.

   But guys. I'm not okay.

   I haven't been for a very long time.

   It's not like every day is a total mess. I have good days. Actually, most of my days lately have been really good. But this week just hit hard and I'm tired and lost. Today actually, today I'm numb.


   It's weird because I'm the best I've ever been, and the worst I've ever been. Both at the same time. I've grown more recently then I ever have before, but everything still hurts. I can't believe everything still hurts. You know, lately I've written so many pieces about perseverance and faith and everything. But it's hard. I mean, it's easy to say "its going to get better" on good days. But on every other day, I'm seriously contemplating the idea that I might never feel better. I don't know if it will. Van Gogh said it once in his letter. "I fear this sadness will last forever." I fear that too. I don't know how much more I can take. Sometimes I think that I just can't do this anymore. I just wish none of this had ever happened. I just want to forget.

   I don't know. Maybe God wants more for me than to just feel better.

   I don't know. Maybe I'm asking for something small when I pray to not be in pain anymore.

   My philosophy professor said something that I can't stop thinking about. He said "Torture happens to your body; torment happens to your soul." And it reminded me of the verse about Paul's thorn in the flesh. He said it was to torment him. Torment, not torture. I know a lot of scholars say his thorn must have been his physical illnesses or injuries. But I'm wondering if he was plagued with a chronically broken heart. I wonder if I'm going to have a chronically broken heart.


   I might. I might never feel better ever again. But maybe I wasn't meant to feel better. Maybe this life isn't about my feelings.

   Sometimes I think it's better to be in pain. At least when I'm in pain, I don't think I'm better than anyone. At least then I stop relying so much on myself. At least when I'm hurting, I'm more compassionate towards others.

   It's just been a cycle though. Me being okay, and then pain comes and I remember to have faith. I persevere and it gets better. Then more pain until I remember to trust again. It's just a giant circle. I don't think I've ever been this emotionally tired. I don't want to try anymore. I just want it to be over.

   That's the truth, right? I don't want this to make me stronger. I just want it to end. I just want to wake up one morning with my mind wiped of all the terrible things I can't stop remembering. It hurts.

   It's been a nightmare for my family, seeing me like this. It's annoying for my friends. Nothing has been easy. It sucks because I really thought I would feel better by now.

   I just want to take pictures and draw until I have forgotten everything. I want to write until my words run out. I want to stop thinking and overthinking. I don't want to wait. I just want to know how this plays out.

   But I don't know. That's all I can think. I don't know how to make this feeling go away, I don't know how to move on, I don't even know what to pray for or what I need. I don't know what to learn from this. Because sometimes pain just hurts. You know? Sometimes it doesn't make you better or stronger; sometimes it just makes you feel weak. I don't know how to be a good example to my girls in my small group. I don't know how to be a good example to my siblings who don't understand why some nights I can't stop crying. I don't know if I'm a good enough Christian or a good enough leader. I don't know how long this is going to last. I don't know if it was worth it. I don't know anything.

   But I keep holding on to the words in Jon Bellion's song "Maybe IDK."

   "Although I guess if I knew tomorrow, I guess I wouldn't need faith. I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn't need grace. I guess if I knew His plans, I guess He wouldn't be God. So maybe I don't know. But maybe that's okay."

   I don't know anything. But maybe I need to stop focusing on the stuff I don't know and think about the stuff I do know.

   Like I know I'm not alone. I know I've gotten through 100% of my worst days. I know I have people that love me. I know art exists and so does music. I know I have you guys; and all of your support makes everything suck so much less.

   I guess I don't need to know it all.

   The truth is, I don't know if I'll be okay. I don't. But that's okay. Because I don't need to feel better. I just need to keep living anyway.

   Sorry I'm just rambling. I just didn't want you guys to think I fell off the face of the world. I just wanted you guys to know what's going on.

   Here, enjoy my spotify playlist. It's been getting me through a lot lately. (The songs at the bottom are the best.)

   Don't worry about me. I'm going to keep making art because that's all I can do. I'm going to breathe even though it hurts. I'm going to survive.

12 comments:

  1. I felt this on a deep level. Because I have been feeling this way, too. It's taken all I've got and a lot of Jesus to even just be surviving.
    One thing that's really helping me is a book called No More Faking Fine, by Esther Fleece. It's a book on lamenting. This book came to me when I really needed to lament but I didn't even know what the word meant then. If you feel led please check it out.
    I'll be praying for you, dear Faith. I trust that we're both going to get through our pain.

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    1. That word "lament" has been on my heart a lot. It's such a powerful concept. I just looked up that book and I'm ordering it right now. lol. Thank you so much for the recommendation!

      *hugs* You are loved and you are not alone. If you ever need anything, I'm here for you.

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  2. <3 <3 <3 this meant so much to me. Oh my gosh, I'm crying. Thank you for your beautiful words, Faith. They touch my heart every time.

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  3. Love this post so much Faith. "Chronically broken hearted" describes it perfectly. And I'm always reminded that jesus lived on earth in the same condition (no one can convince me Jesus didn't battle severe depression as a human being). And that's encouraging to me because it means there's no point I can reach where Jesus can't meet me right there. He knows what it's like.

    You're an inspiration to me more than words can say. love you girl. hang in there <3

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  4. WOW this is beautiful and what has been on my heart so much. A couple weeks ago I was feeling very alone and broken and really just wondering why God wasn't fixing my damaged heart. But I came to the same conclusion as you and this is just so amazingly beautiful!

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  5. Hey girl,
    I just came across this blog post because someone I follow on Twitter had shared a link to it.
    I haven't been able to fully process everything I just read, so I will keep this comment short. Or rather, my brain is telling me to keep it short, for the words aren't seeming to flow very well at the moment.
    I just wanted to tell you that this was beautiful. The vulnerability and emotion came through so deeply and I felt your pain, I felt your confusion, I felt your faith.
    God is good.
    Stay the course.
    If you are faithful in the times of trial, He shall honor you with multitudes of blessings.
    Seek Him at every moment, every corner, every turn, while every tear is falling. And know, trust, have faith that although everything seems to be falling apart around you, KNOW with assurance that God is still on His throne.

    Love you, sister. Reach out if you ever need a listening ear, a virtual hug, or prayer.
    ~Raquel

    www.itsjustraquel.com

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  6. Thank you for posting this.
    You're a really inspirational person.

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  7. Oh dear girl! I'm sure I can't imagine what you're going through.. The lyrics from Worn have been an encouragement to me too, recently. The struggle will end, and redemption will win. Keep holding on. xx

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    1. I've been listening to that song on the daily <3

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  8. Faith <333 Wow...I read this post, and I was just like, someone gets that. Someone else knows how hard life can be. We're not alone in this thing called life. That's comforting. But it's still hard sometimes. (lol ACTUALLY it can be very hard...breaking.) Wondering when God will do the next thing, when circumstances will ever change. I believe they will...but when? I love what you said about how if we did know everything, we wouldn't need faith...or God. I've been hoping, and praying, and trusting. God does know what He's doing. Jesus died for us. Died. He knows what it's like <3 But now He's alive...ready to give hope. So. YEAH. I think I'm kind of blubbering right now..so I'll stop. But the raw-ness of this post is amazing, Faith. It's genuine. And God's got you. He's faithful. <3

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  9. You're brave to post this. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I really hope the pain passes soon. Sometimes there seems to be no way under or above or around - only through to the other side, unfortunately. Hang in there.

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  10. this post is very relatable..and i love you writing style and blog :D
    i'm definitely following!

    ~Ritz
    http://theritzblog.blogspot.in/

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