Tuesday, September 16, 2014

To The Wallflowers

(Image from Google)

   You're my favorite kind of person.

   Seriously. 

   You think no one notices you when you stand off to the side, or how you don't speak often, or how you don't come to every social gathering. You're shy. Introverted. Maybe even a little bit afraid. 

   You've heard it all before. You know exactly what I'm talking about. 
   "Why don't you talk more?"
   "Why do you sit alone?"
   "Are you depressed?"
   "Talking isn't that hard."
   And I won't even start on the countless jokes and snarky comments people probably make about you. You've heard every single one. People think they're being funny or original, but they aren't. They're being insensitive and being a copy.  I'm so sorry for those people. I'm sorry that they don't understand.

   I know how they all see you. They think of some sad person who hates humanity and is utterly heartless and just would rather be alone; and maybe there are times you start to believe those things for yourself. But I see you as so much more. You're so beautiful. You have such a big heart and you feel everything so deeply. You understand things that not many others do. You might think there's something wrong with you, but its not wrong; it's right.

   You sit alone because the crowd has neglected you. You're different, and thus, you've been outcast. You sit on the sidelines of every activity or gathering, oftentimes staring longingly at the people who seem to be getting along just fine without you. You never think to join them because, well, what's the point? They don't notice you anyway. 

   You think thoughts like these.
   They don't need me.
   They're happy now, I would just ruin things.
   I wish I wasn't so awkward

   Loneliness is a constant state, but deep inside, you want to be loved. You want someone to notice you and make you feel important. You long for someone to care for you and listen to your soft voice. Because prior to contrary belief, you have a voice, and more importantly, you have things to say. Your mind is full of unexplored galaxies; endless space filled with thoughts and concepts and visions. You think, because there's no one else to talk to. You're an observer, and your mind is a constant clutter of past experiences and future hopes. But no one would ever know, because they always shut you out. 

   But I want you to know something.

   You are so much more than the jokes people make about you. You're beautiful. You are perfect just as you are. You don't need to speak loudly; simply speak as you feel the need to. Be patient with yourself. But please, dear Wallflower, don't sit back and watch life go by. Go be in the moment. Don't worry about who's watching you or saying whatever about you. Be yourself and don't try to be someone you're not, but let the world experience you. The world needs you. Don't deprive it of its chance. It's only chance. There is only one you and if you spend your whole life sitting on the sidelines, they'll never know how amazing you are.

   Never doubt yourself. You have a unique gift that no one else has. No one can love like you do, no one sees the world the way you do, no one is you except you. I know you sell yourself short; you think you're annoying or ugly or that your opinions aren't valid but I am here to say that they are. Never second guess yourself. 

   You are so very special. Don't fear rejection or criticism. Don't you worry about what people think of you.

   And most of all, thank you for existing. I see you standing alone and I smile with sympathy. I understand.

   I'm a wallflower too.

   I write this because no one ever told me it was okay. I always thought something was wrong with me because I felt things so deep and I hurt when other people hurt and I seemed to be the only one. No one told me it was okay to be shy or okay to feel alone sometimes or okay to listen to sad songs or take black and white photographs. In fact, they made me think those things were wrong. But they're not. They're human. They're okay.

   I want you to know that its okay to feel a lot. It's okay to be sad and sit by yourself and sing sad songs when you're alone and stay in your pajamas all day. Crying is not weakness and to be introverted is not a sickness. You are valid as a human even though you don't speak as much as the others. Please, accept yourself just as you are. Flaws and all. 

   Thank you for being a wallflower. The world needs more people who understand. 







Saturday, September 6, 2014

Update

   This week was my first week of school. It was good. I only had one breakdown, and that was on Friday so I think I did pretty good. Although, I haven't started math yet so we'll see how that goes come Monday. I really do enjoy learning, as long as it doesn't involve numbers. Anyhow, I felt like writing today, since I need to get more practice in before November when I do NaNoWriMo again. Plus all I seem to blog about are heavy topics, so I figured y'all could use a break.

   So here are some things I've been loving/doing this week.

   Movies:
 
   Restless: This movie was so cute! I squealed way too much while watching it. It's very much like The Fault In Our Stars except....morbid. So basically, I loved it. If you're a fan of really sick love stories, this one is for you.
   Restless is about a guy named Enoch, he crashes funerals for fun and his best friend is the ghost of a kamikaze pilot from Japan.  Then he crashes a memorial and meets a girl named Annabelle who changes everything.

   Some Kind Of Wonderful: Watch.This.Movie. Seriously, I am in love. I just watched it last night and I already want to watch it again. Watts is my spirit animal. While I was in the hospital my nurse saw me watching Pretty In Pink and recommended
this to me, and I need to thank her because this movie was perfection.
   John Hughes does it again with an adorable story about friendship and romance. Keith is an average guy; his best friend's name is Watts; a tomboy who seemingly doesn't care about anything except for her drums, but she secretly harbors feeling for Keith. So when he falls for Amanda, the beautiful, rich girl, it turns into a love triangle that can only end in disaster.

   God's Not Dead: Technically I only watched half of this one, and I liked what I did see. I must admit, it was cheesy as frick. The only parts I really liked were Josh's speeches.
   Josh is a college freshman. In his philosophy class, his professor forces the kids to check off a box on their paper that says "God's dead." However, Josh will have none of that, and instead, he stands up for his beliefs. I didn't see this part of the movie but he gets issued a challenge; he has 3 chances to speak in front of the class to prove God's existence.

   Books:

   Frankenstein - Mary Shelley: I haven't finished it yet but its so, so good! It was nothing liked I thought it would be like, but its dark and deep and insightful. I can't wait to finish it and maybe write more about it.

   The Great Ones And The General - Ely B. One of the coolest people I know on the internet is writing a book and I got to read what's been written so far and it's golden. I cried actually. It isn't yet finished so if you want to read some snippets of it, check out her blog 'What Can I Say?' or also just send her some encouragement to motivate her to keep going because, trust me, you want this thing published.

   Songs:

   Gone, Gone, Gone - Phillip Phillips
   Best Day Of My Life - American Authors
   Smarter - Eisley
   Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran
   
   (Look at my sister she's so cute.)
 
   That's my life right now. Also, Doctor Who. I really love Doctor Who. I've got my first night of youth group tomorrow night and I am a bit nervous. Also, I'm planning to do an event with a bunch of people for Rise Above It Missions next week and I'm nervous and overwhelmed with trying to figure that out.

   And I'm really excited for my NaNoWriMo this year. I actually like the characters. there's going to be real action, and I'm just really excited for it. I'm trying to work out a solid plot which is harder than you might think, but at least I decided on a title. Forlorn Hope. Thoughts? I designed a mediocre book cover so I'll post it closer to November along with a bit about the book. I can't wait to write this! Get ready for a wild book about the supernatural. It will be dark, with plot twists (and probably a lot of plot holes.) and whatever else I decide to throw in there. It's gonna be deep yo.

   Oh, one more thing.

 
125 days until my best friend returns!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

To The Guy That Broke My Heart

   These past few years have been crazy, right? We've both been through so much. Together, and as individuals. You know as well as anyone that I have never been one for speaking, and that I do better talking in writing. I just wanted to write you one more letter as a letter of closure. I want it to be public, because I want people to learn from it. Because if someone can learn from my pain, it would have all been worth it.

   Its so complicated really; I feel like if you were to tell our story, it would be a lot different than mine. Maybe because you never cared about me the way I cared about you. There were times I would venture to think that I might even love you. But the feeling wasn't mutual. You broke my heart; you led me on, flirted, talked to me every day, earned my trust and affection, and then left me for another girl. In my experience, that's how it always goes. I mean, just a year prior to that my dad had left my mom for another girl. The pain I went through wasn't all attributed to you. But your actions did reopen old wounds.

   I like to think that if we had met at a different time in my life, things would have worked out. When we became friends, I hadn't quite recovered from my dad and his affair yet. I was struggling with my fear problems like never before, I had a ton of insecurities, and that just scratches the surface. Then when you left, everything got worse. I cried so many nights. I only listened to sad songs. I would walk around like I had been broken. Because really, I had been. You made me feel worthless. You made me feel like I wasn't good enough. You made me compare myself to everyone. You made me feel low. But maybe the worst feeling I felt during that time was anger. Not at you, but at God. I felt betrayed by Him because He had told me this was His will and then went back on His word. And if He couldn't be trusted, then I was doomed.


  They say that time heals all wounds, and I can attest to that fact. When you broke my heart, it felt like something I could never recover from. You had been more than a crush to me, you had been my best friend. For a while I even thought I might love you. I didn't know how I could ever love again. I began to fear love. All my life I had only ever experienced heartbreak. It was all I ever thought I would experience. But over time I realized that wasn't true. 

   These past few weeks I've been thinking over one question. 

   Do I still like you?

   That's the question of the hour. See, I've wanted to say no. Someone told me you were on a date the other day, and when they asked how I felt about it, I was shocked when I was able to say I was happy. It was weird. But it made sense. You were happy because you were with someone you care about, she was happy because she got the guy, and I'm happy because you're happy and because I realized that my happiness has nothing to do with you. It took a long time to be able to say that, but I can now. So no. I don't think I like you anymore.

   I had been so afraid to say that for so long. Because what was the point of liking you for so long, just to throw it away? But today, looking back on it all, it was so worth it.

   I wanted to write you this letter to say thank you. We went through a lot together. Thank you for showing me how brave I was, because I wouldn't have known it without you. You saw more in me than I saw in myself. As a friend, you were dedicated. You were always there for me, loyal, and wise. Even when I hurt you, you never ceased to be there for me. You helped me through so much and you taught me more about God than you'll ever know. I find myself quoting you often; word for word or simply lessons you taught me. I have never found someone quite like you, and I doubt that I ever will. It breaks my heart to know how little you see in yourself. But you looked at me, a shy, scared girl, and you told her she was brave and strong and that she was a leader.

   But perhaps the most important lesson I learned came from you leaving. So thank you for breaking my heart. I wouldn't be the young woman I am now had I not gone through that. I had to be broken in order to understand healing. Thank you for the months you never spoke to me; it was during those times that I grew as an individual. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I don't need another human in order to be happy. I found that I used to be very self conscious of what other people thought of me, but it was after you left that I realized I don't need to be. See, in our friendship you showed me I was beautiful and courageous and had potential; and in your absence you showed me that even when I was alone, those traits remained true.

   I know you didn't really "leave." You simply found someone else. I wanted to tell you that I sincerely hope the best for you. When I said I would pray for you two, I meant it. I also realized that I do love you. But not in the stupid pop culture/romance novel kind of way. But in the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way. All throughout the past year, God has been showing me how to love. Love is patient. Kind. It isn't arrogant. It doesn't envy. Isn't jealous. It keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn't delight in evil, but delights in truth. There's more, but one last thing I learned about love, is that "love is wanting the best for someone, even if you end up left out." A lot of people would disagree about many of these things, but I know these to be true, because they are things God revealed to me, through scripture as well as among other things. 

   So there it is. How weird would it be if somehow you end up actually reading this? To be honest that would be awkward. But now, I don't worry so much about how others view me. You love who you love, you tell them, and you don't worry about their response. 

   I'm glad you're back to simply being my friend. I hope you enjoy your life and that you fall in love and that she loves you right back. Don't you worry about me. I'm the happiest I've ever been. Somewhere in the world, my future husband is breathing, his heart is beating, and our future is waiting. I don't have to wonder anymore about him, because I trust God's got that all sorted out. I'm just going to keep living and cherishing every moment. You do the same. Life is too short to spend it worrying. 

   One last thing. Remember how I said I felt like God had betrayed me? That He had gone back on His word? That bothered me for a long time. And I finally figured it out. I know why He did it.

   Because God can do whatever the frick He wants. "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21) 

   Thank you for everything. Although our time together was short, and heck, we were never even "together," I am so thankful for our little infinity. I love you.