I'll save you all the details but I was in a lot of pain. I was in the ER for two nights, then spent one night in ICU, and was finally transferred to the regular floor. While in the ER I spent most of my time screaming in pain; I was on some pretty heavy duty pain killers that took way too long to kick in and only lasted about an hour. I also had two IV's in, was hooked up to a heart monitor, and was on oxygen. Plus I had an allergic reaction to a med they gave me which caused my face to swell so much I could barely open my eyes. It was a nightmare. My mom was with me the whole time though, and she prayed with me and dealt with my screaming like a pro and I'm so thankful for that.
I had a lot of tests done which all came back negative, and after 4 days or so I was sent home because I was feeling better. I was even able to go on my church's woman's retreat which ended up being a lot of fun, and I wasn't sick at all. Of course, Monday morning it all came back. It felt like deja vu. I had an appointment with one of my doctors, so I went to him first, and then he sent me to the ER where I was admitted again.
This time I had more tests done. Lots of blood work. I had an echo, 2 MRI's, and 2 lumbar punctures. I was in the hospital a grand total of ten days altogether. I had wanted to share more in dept all the stuff I learned and went through or whatever, but I'm still sick and don't really want to get into anything right now. That's the fun part; I got sick again this week. I've barely gotten out of bed since Sunday. I've had to write this post in twenty minute writing spurts. Write for twenty minutes, sleep for thirty. And so the cycle continues.
And now a day has past since I started this post. I wasn't able to continue it because of how much my head hurt. So I'm not even going to try to make this post coherent. It's past midnight and my insomnia is acting up and my headaches are bearable so I wanted to finish this up. I've scarcely gotten out of bed all week and I've not really had much to eat either. I've been attempting to stay hydrated, but even that's hard. Most of my posts have some inspirational message or whatever, and I wanted to add one, but honestly, I'm still trying to find out what it is I have to learn from this. It's been hard this week; I can't do anything that involves sitting without getting a killer migraine, so all I can do is lie down. So I can listen to music, go on my IPod and scroll Twitter and Instagram, watch TV, and think. I have had way too much time to think. And for the first time I feel like a real "sick kid." I guess what I mean is that, I always felt too healthy and people always thought I was sicker than I was. Not that I didn't take my illness seriously, but honestly, I was a lot healthier than all the other people I knew, from the Internet or otherwise, who had lupus. Even in the hospital I felt like I didn't belong; like I was there to observe or something, not really to get better. If that makes any sense.
But this week it hit me. I haven't been able to do anything. I can't go on my youth group's all nighter this weekend because I'm too sick. I need to have my siblings do basically everything for me. I tried to go out this week and it ended in me crying at the dentist office and my mom telling the receptionist we needed to reschedule because I just couldn't do it. And the pain...oh the pain. I've not been in this much pain...ever really. I would like to tell you that I have been so strong through all this and that I prayed and let God be my strength and all that, but I remember screaming to my mom in the ER that I wasn't strong enough and that I couldn't do it anymore, I remember begging God to take it away and make it stop. I had never felt so weak in my life. I don't know why I'm saying this, I just feel like I needed to. I needed people to know that I'm not superhuman and I have weaknesses. I had wanted to do the right thing and like, you know, not scream in the ER; and I had wanted to show the nurses how great God was by being strong or whatever; but in the end I just cried. But maybe that was what I needed to do; I needed to be humble. Because letting people see me like that wasn't easy; and I had to come to a place where I could just cry and know there was nothing I nor any of the doctors could do; it was all on God.
In all this I have also felt an abundance of blessings. So many people came to visit me while I was in the hospital, and so many more left me encouragements on Facebook and on other social media. I got so many lovely gifts that make my heart so very happy. And my mom has been the real MVP and sleeping on chairs for nights in a row and dealing with me when I'm being impossible and just overall being the best mom ever. I was also beyond blessed to have an amazing team of doctors and nurses during my stay at the hospital. Seriously, they were the best. One nurse I had told the doctors no when they ordered more labs from me because she knew I was so sick of needles; and she told them they were going to have to wait until morning because she wasn't going to poke me again; and another nurse held my hand and let me cry on her when I had my second lumbar puncture done. My doctors were great and one even bought me a Mountain Dew for my headaches; a drink he recommended, might I add. The staff there is just awesome overall. It's funny that people got to know me there. I would walk down the halls and the nurses and transport people would call me by name and ask me how I was doing.
I just feel so loved and undeserving. It's hard to sit back and let people love you sometimes; especially if you're like me and always have to be doing something for someone else, or just simply doing something. I guess maybe this is my lesson; to rest. God certainly has been teaching me that I can't do anything on my own; maybe this is another one of those times.
Thank you for sticking by me through that boring post. I had had all these plans for blogging and stuff, but whenever I go to write them they just never work out and I end up over thinking it all. I do have plans for this blog for when I reach one hundred followers so I hope to get that ball rolling soon. Maybe I'll be able to update soon but we'll see about that. Also, be praying for me with health, obviously, and also for a job I might have that I really would love to get which would open doors for that new camera I've been dying for. Because photography is super important to me and I would love to grow more in that. Lastly, how can I pray for you? One thing I've been doing a lot of is praying, since I can do that while lying down. If you don't want to comment your prayer request, you can go to my contact page and send it to me via any of those outlets listed. I'd love to hear from you.
I really do love you guys so much. Like wow. I say it a lot but yet not enough. I don't know why people read this blog or whatever but I am so blessed to call you guys friends.
Oh! And if you care to read about something I did learn in the hospital, I blogged about it on my ministry website and you can read that at this link