Clueless

I'm going to be 17 tomorrow. Yep. I'm old. Two days ago I spent my day looking at old pictures from Jr. High and even before that, and yesterday I hung around church during the Jr. High youth group. So I was having some major flashbacks from my Jr. High years. I looked at all the kids at group and I thought "No...I wasn't that young..." But I was. It didn't feel like it, but looking back on it now, I was 11! I remember thinking I was so old then and so mature. Ha. I see my two little siblings who are now at that age and they think they're so mature and old too and I laugh because I was the exact same way. I tried to tell them that they were still young but they insisted they were old. Oh well, they'll get it eventually.

   I was just thinking back on all the stuff I didn't know back in Jr. High. I didn't know how much my world would change in a few short years, I didn't know that fights with my best friend were temporary, I didn't know that I would eventually have to let go of the guy I liked oh so much, I didn't know that the things I cried over would be ok; nor did I know who I would be in high school or the plans God had for me. I had no clue. I was totally oblivious. Back in Jr. High I thought I was having the best years of my life, I thought that every day should be Tuesday because thats when my youth group was. I didn't know that I still had my whole life ahead of me.

   It reminds me the song Souvenirs by Switchfoot.

   "Here's to the twilight, here's to the memories, these are my souvenirs, my mental pictures of everything. Here's to the late nights, here's to the firelight, these are my souvenirs, my souvenirs. I close my eyes and go back in time. I can see you smiling you're so alive, we were so young, we had no fear. We were so young we had no idea that life was just happening."

   "Here's to your bright eyes, shining light fireflies. These are my souvenirs, the memory of a lifetime. We were wide eyed with everything, everything around us. We were enlightened by everything. Everything. I close my eyes and go back in time. You were just a child then and so was I. We were so young we had no fear. We were so young, we had no idea that nothing lasts forever."

   That song captures it just perfectly. That's exactly how I was. I had no idea. I was totally clueless. But in a way, that was a good thing. If I had known what God had in store for me beforehand, maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today. Tomorrow I turn 17 and for once I think I'm becoming who I want to be. After high school I'll probably blog these exact same lyrics and say that I had no idea where I was going and you know what? That's ok. That's more than ok. Because of how oblivious and young I was, I enjoyed life. I enjoyed every second of it all. It seems like it was just yesterday and also years ago at the exact same time. I loved it. I don't regret it; time flies to matter how much you cling to it. So don't be upset that you never "lived in the moment." Just live life and don't overthink it. Nothing lasts forever.

 

 My youth group winter retreat

 My sister and I

My close friend, Megan, and I.

   

   Nothing lasts forever but certain things can last a lifetime. The picture above is of my friend and I. We grew up together, or, we are growing up together. We're now in high school and we're still close. A lot of my friendships are like that and I love those very much. We share so many memories and I hold them very close and I can't wait to make more.

   I'm going to be 17. There's a picture of me the day I was born. (That cut on my cheek was supposed to go away. Yeah, it hasn't.) But its so weird to think that God knew everything about me on this day and before. He knew that I was His daughter. He knew all the hurt I would go through and all the drama and all the laughs. He had a book written for me of all the days of my life and as much as I want to write that book, I'm so glad He did. Because His plans are so much better. If someone had asked me back in Jr. High how I thought my life would be in 4 or 5 years, I would never have said any of this. And as much as I hate a lot of the junk I went through, I wouldn't be who I am today without it all. I never would have thought I would be someone from Columbia who would have a birthday the day before mine and we'd become best friends, I never would have thought my dad would leave us, I never would have pictured myself getting a blood disorder or even having a third sister. But on that day, September 26, 1996, God looked at me and He knew. I heard somewhere that when God looks at you He doesn't see you like you do, He sees you but He sees all of your potential. He sees who you could be. He accepts you as you are and knows who you can be. Its remarkable.

   So back in Jr. High when I thought I knew it all, I was really quite clueless. But God knew so that makes it all ok. So here's to many more years of unpredictable drama and trials, and blessings I never could have even thought to ask for.