With that being said, I had a breakdown at church on Sunday. I was really getting upset that having panic attacks at church were becoming a norm for me, with this being my second one in a course of 3 weeks. The first time it happened I felt so embarrassed; and I felt the same way this time, but apparently know one else saw. I had to run out in the middle of Sunday school and I stood in the stairway panicking by myself. It wasn't my proudest moment. But as much as I hate it, I think being triggered at church will become a thing that happens often. Why? Because the enemy doesn't want me to grow. Have you ever had your place of comfort transformed into a danger zone? I have. And it sucks. My life is getting hard, and I doubt it'll get any easier. I'll just get stronger. I feel attacked. Fear is hitting way worse than ever before, and I haven't yet figured out a way to stop it. Last night though, I gotta give a round of applause to my best friend for Skyping me until 2am because I was afraid of being alone.
This wasn't supposed to be a long post; in fact, it was supposed to be random. Sorry. Well, that's the long version of why I've locked myself in my room all day and read books and watched TV. I just needed to keep my mind occupied from fear and overthinking. It was a good day. I hope I can be more productive tomorrow. The great thing about being sad though, is it produces some really amazing photography! So I've got some stuff to share with you from today and the past few weeks. And random quotes.
"The arrogant have forged a lie against me; with all my heart I will observe Your precepts....It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes."-Psalm 119:69, 71. (I feel this right now...yes.)
"They have persecuted me with a lie; help!"-Psalm 119:86
"Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for."
-Sam and Frodo, The Two Towers.
"I wish it wasn't true. But it is though. Now the kids know, I'm not a hero but I know Someone who is."-Wish It Wasn't True, Lecrae.
"It's just water and I am just soul."-Vice Verses, Switchfoot.
You're going to want to give up; but don't.